I’m reading the most brilliant book, I think I picked it up solely for the cute Thurber-ish sketch on its cover, and am thinking of M. the whole way through.  It must be read, if you are a satirist, a lovely display of the craft.  (I’ve used “lovely” twice today already, some days I have favorite words.)

Anyway, it’s called Imaginative Qualities of Actual Things: a novel, and it led me to the second thing, an interesting site called Ready Steady Book.  Big deal.  In the scheme of whether Tony ratted or died or both or neither (I won’t say, A., I promise!) it means nothing.

I must go now, and wash G. and find out why Lisa Austin wouldn’t wave to A.  Such are the demands of suburban ennui.  Wait, I fled the suburbs.  Still …

I did not watch the Sopranos.  And in order to remain married to my wonderful A., I won’t try to find out what happened and then talk about it here.  There was no last episode as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t happen.  I’m on season 5 and I’ll stay there until A. and I are both ready to move on, together.  (I’m sincerely sorry about all the other leaks, A.)

Anway, I’ve got something else.  We had the most lovely brunch at Steve and Leanne’s yesterday.  (People don’t have brunches anymore, they should.  Gerry Stairet, in fact, should have a brunch right away.)  Over eggs, Mel claimed to have a funny parody of “The Decider“.  I said, “what’s left to parody?”  He said, “trust me, I’ll email it when I get home.”  So he did, and it’s annoying to be told something’s funny, so I’ll just give it to you.  Laugh or don’t.   

Special Address on Global Warming 

To the horror of many, Lisa Austin neither called nor wrote on my birthday. Nor did she send a scantily clad well-built man to my door to sing a telegram.

Life proceeds.

Today at 4PM you may all join Lisa Austin for a martini and potato chips and ogle her new rooms (three of them now!)

That’s all I have, besides regrets.

(A., remember to call / email / send flowers to Melissa.)

Because it’s my birthday I can eat pad thai for breakfast, which I’m doing.  While watching Dora and Boots find their way to Crocodile Lake.  Decadent.

For my birthday present, I want someone to make all my phone calls.  To get Jr.’s baptism certificate from Our Lady of the Valley to St. James and get Amanda for the 16th.   Also to remember to make all the calls I’ve forgotten, there’s a bunch, and take Milo and Otis back to the library, you might as well.

Oh, and then I still want a new car and it doesn’t have to be brand new and it can almost be anything as long as the wipers don’t start when I make a left turn.

Work hard, play hard everyone.  Go easy on the Boost.

Watch this very serious short film about an angry priest posted on Zulkey. And then think of an ending and I think you win a pie. No wait, you make a film!

The angry priest is at a critical impasse. He’s learned the pursuit of happiness is futile. He has dishonored the mundane objects in his house, he has sacrificed his ideals. His ill-lit world has closed in.

He needs a stranger or a journey right now, I say journey. And it has something to do with parking. Yeah, parking. He finds redemption, and the source of his anger, and the long clues in the Friday crossword — he finds all of that, all that he seeks, in the pure simplicity of a good parking spot.

A. and I wrote a play about parking once and I can’t find it. It was really good. Jane and I filmed a cooking show, a spoof of a Julia Child-type who cooks with her feet. A. is published, you know, and married to Ashley and Jane’s a big fancy doctor in LA.

Lisa Austin has two more new rooms and tomorrow’s my birthday.

That’s all I have. Honest.

You have 5 days to get my birthday present.  Ship today if you’re going UPS ground.  Or better, just have them park it in the driveway.  (You can buy used, but no more than 20,000 miles, please.  And I’m sure I’ve mentioned this already, but dark colors only.  Preferably black or blue.  I also need the automatic right mirror tilt for curb visibility.  Thanks.)

Lisa Austin has a new room.  You can see it and all its luster in a newspaper near you soon!  Check back for details.  Or don’t.

Meanwhile, I’m polishing up an excerpt to post as audio clip.  It kicks off with spiders, so if you have a creepy spider story send it here.  And if you want to redo my site for me, or whip up a new one for “The Good Wife” while I sip a gin gimlet, click here.