It’s not my forte.

The internet, for one thing, is not where it used to be. It’s not there on my computer when I sit in my chair. Instead it’s one in a series of tedious phone calls I’ll have to make for a number of things no longer where they were. I hate making phone calls.

Another thing is my coffee is over there. I made a lovely iced coffee just minutes ago and I see that it’s not within drinking range, it’s over there.

Yesterday I went to a wind farm, that’s what they’re calling them now, it’s where they farm wind. It was in the middle of the top part of Oregon, by that river, and while there are a number of wind farms I went to one in Rufus with Scruffy and J. It was quiet and creepy and we had great fun, we stopped in the middle of the road and abandoned the car as if aliens had snatched us. (Though they hadn’t). They’re sinister-seeming, the wind things. They’re too tall and too white and too close together I think, and they’re replacing the wheat fields which seems mean to the wheat. The landowners get paid to let them be there so now combines are rusting in fields and the air has unnatural sounds. The wind they grow on wind farms doesn’t sound like regular wind.

Unrelated, I live in Washington now with Jr., Scruffy and G. I’ll tell you where later so you can drop things on my porch. We’re watching Mad Men from the beginning via projector on the wall. Moving I’m not crazy about, but summers are fun.

I’ll say more tomorrow.

G. is furious with me this morning because she left her coat on the ground. She left it there yesterday and then it rained so she was forced to wear a different coat, the black nylon one with pink stripes. She claims this coat is not warm, she pointed out it’s a cold day. I hardly think the other coat is much warmer, I suspect it’s a fashion thing. Or routine thing. Or more likely, even, a morning thing. (There are certain things I passed down, a distaste for mornings is one of them.)

The coffee leaked today, from the pot. I don’t know how this could have happened since it has never once from this pot happened before. I’m drinking the part of it that didn’t leak out of a mug that’s been shaped like a pumpkin. Ironically, as I drank it, Pumpkin the cat jumped next to me and watched.

It’s rained here, now, for three thousand days straight. And honestly I don’t mind it. Yes, I complain — to checkout clerks and hair dressers, mostly — that’s what one does, it’s a courtesy. But really I don’t mind, except for the coat that was left in the yard.

The badminton net is up if you’d like to come play. It’s near where the coat was left. I still haven’t finished my yogurt.

I have a love-scorn relationship with Alice, by the way, did you know that. (I’m foregoing the question mark for a short bit: avant-garde.) She almost ruined me one year by insisting I hand-whisk aioli. It was the summer of 2008, and I barely survived it; the humility of all those thin runny attempts.

But since then I’ve found Mark Bittman and Mark says, “whisk, schmisk. psst: the processor.” The processor! And with Mark, guess what else. No guilt! Alice is the Catholic cook to his Unitarian and now my yummy Unitarian garlic aioli has been going strong for one whole year. And now today, Unitarian split-pea soup: Stock, peas, salt? Check. Chopped carrots / onion / hamhock / other annoying time-consuming crap? Meh, don’t bother.

You’ll notice I put in question marks just now. I reserve, at all times, creative license.

I’m down to one clean room in the house and I’m using it sparingly. Tim won’t Tweet and it has hurt profoundly in slightly vague ways. I’m on an adverb kick, it seems.

I want one good surprise today, that’s the other thing. Just one surprise and then you can go home. And if I’ve not eaten the whole soup I’ll let you have some.

Hmm. I like this one blanket, I got it for Christmas, it’s blue. I probably like it because it’s blue. (I like blue). I like the grill now because I’ve learned how to use it. Can you imagine? It’s not so hard, it turns out, though I understand there’s finesse.

Someone is doing Romeo and Juliet on Twitter. I don’t remember where I saw that or I’d give you a link, but basically the characters all Tweet. And perhaps I’ll have Ellen Jenks Tweet. I’ll have her Tweet and also blog. I remembered today there’s a whole slew of words I’ve cut out, I should use them. I’m thinking of marketing ideas. I want your cousin to buy my book, so I’m definitely targeting him. Just tell me where he lives, I’ll do the rest.

That kind of worked, I’m not so sad. I think it was the bit about your cousin. I like him. He’s a pretty okay guy.

Oops. The recipe is right here. => RECIPE

Yesterday morning my grass was four-feet tall. It really was. Then Jr. and his sister and their friend cut it down while I read Vanity Fair. It took them almost three days. Though closer to one, I guess, since it was yesterday. I gave them each a little money, but I completely ripped them off.

Tomorrow is Caroline’s birthday, I wish it was mine. If it were mine I’d have you over to play Battleship. I think that’s what I want on my birthday. I’m not sure, yet, what Caroline wants on hers.

I have a light workday which means no excuse to skip workouts and eat junk food. Light workdays bug me. The birds are trying to get in the house for Scruffy’s food and Scruffy’s feet are green because of the lawn. My coffee’s cold.

In Vanity Fair I learned that the girl from the pancake shop who dated Tiger only ever got him to buy her one chicken wrap from Subway. I wasn’t sure what to do with that, I only know it has stuck. As well, unfortunately, as this. [Click on "this". I dare you to not watch it over and over again.]

Look for me at the beach. If you go.

Follow Lion and Martini, follow Ashton and Demi Moore. Just do it, okay? You should trust me. All the time.

You have to write a bio, but it’s short. And seriously, if you’re busy, I’ll write it for you. Just ask.

You see, I need your attention. I’m going to need it in coming months. I didn’t forget about my book, it’s still there. I still have a fancy agent, he still likes it, he thought perhaps it might need sexed up. So I sexed, and sent it back. And now it’s you I want to focus on, don’t leave! Pay attention to me. Lend me your hits and your Followers, be my Friends. I’ll have a new web site for Crane Flies soon and you can all come to the party. I have an illustrator and he’s brilliant, we might change the world.

It would help if there were food in the house, I ate bacon bits at 11.

I’ve got some other things to do now, but there was a fire in the kitchen yesterday, did I tell you that? A big one with flames on the stove. They were tall flames, I was scared. And then they inexplicably went away. That Movie Guy roasted pork last night and so at the last minute I tried to piccata. It was okay, I guess. If you come over, though, I’ll really cook.

#donebutwitherrorsonthepage #titleofmymemoir

Eric is reading my blog today from Starbuck’s in New York, he’ll win a prize. I’ve been working on business things and marketing and things that are fun but not terribly cute and so I’ve found it hard to be clever, but Scruffy hasn’t. He rolls the window down now all by himself and sticks his nose out. That kid.

I watched The Masters off and on and I’m happy for golf and its sponsors, they got one darn good fairy tale. My coffee was terrible this morning. The ants are still rampant, Eric says to burn them.

See? I’m wasting your time. It was Eric who prompted me — someone’s reading!, I thought. I should write!

It’s a day where I want soup and you know I hate getting it. I’d like to make some but then I won’t work, I’d like to leave the house but there are no soup drive-ins by me. So again, here we are, you’ll have to bring it to me. A bouillabaise, I think, if you don’t mind.

@BistroMaison and I drove through the back roads of Dundee to taste Lachini’s pretty wines on Saturday. Here’s how we read the map.

I’ve lost not just a hamster but an unusually high number of other items this week. It makes me jumpy. My checkbook, for instance, I’ve lost that. If you have it please leave it on the piano. I won’t ask questions and I’ll offer you fountain drinks and pistachios if there’s time for that.

I’ve lost the battle of Odorous House Ants, too. Or — alternate spin — I’ve redefined it. They’re not going to leave, they’ve established that. So the challenge is to find some sort of joy. I left a glass out in the guest house overnight, it had a small trace of juice. In the morning it was filled three-deep with the tiny little things, plus a large trail of them leading back to the wall. I found joy in the pile of their dead bodies and then more joy in vacuuming them up.

I’ve got my coffee, Anna, I’m drinking it. I feel I’ll never quit as hard as I try, I’m weak. It’s just that there’s coffee and heated car seats and little else for me in the mornings and I must survive mornings they’re critical. When I can’t nail mornings anymore, I’m going to bag the whole thing.

I sound gloomy, I think, but I’m not it’s just my knee. My knee hurts and I should have said so right off but I was trying to be brave. My knee hurts and the portable heater is on and I want to turn it off but not get up. If you’ve got suggestions on how to do that, or again, if you’ve filched my checkbook, please write me here. I look forward to reading your words, use responsible grammar.

Okay, okay, I ditched you for Twitter. I did, I know it’s wrong. It was cold and insensitive of me, but Twitter is cute and fun and you’re not the same blog I married anymore, you’re not. You’re always busy with the kids and your scrapbooking group, and Twitter only asks for 140 characters. Seriously.

Anyway, you haven’t missed much. The Odorous House Ants have swarmed with fury and it’s rained. Tim is running to Dollywood and Todd yesterday poured D. and I pretty wines. Caroline is going boating with Kid Rock, C. is supposed to call, Scruffy is having a crisis of some sort and my jump shot has improved.

Norris Church wrote a book about Mailer, I might read it. Boy earwigs have two you-know-whats.

Did you miss me?

It’s dirty job day so I’ve vacuumed many ants. I’ve called them many obscenities, I’ve also cleaned the hamster cage. The hamster cage has not been cleaned in some time and the hamsters are slobs. The ants are slobs, too, I bet but I’ve not found their cage and their slobby things are small.

Oh, and there’s a rat. I have a rat and a cat I hope the cat eats the rat, it could be a mouse I suppose. It just sounded very big. Sunday morning at dawn I was reading the Times as is my wont (established custom) and the rat started chewing at the walls. Scruffy heard it and Pumpkin heard it too and I banged on the walls like the rat was a bad neighbor upstairs until it stopped. There’s a scourge upon this house I just know it.

It’s spring break right now and I’m vacuuming ants. Next week, though, I’ll fly to Hawaii and then you can vacuum ants. That’s all I’ll say.